Ignace Nuclear Waste Home

IGNACE, ON — With enthusiasm that even surprised the company responsible for handling radioactive materials, the tiny town of Ignace, Ontario, has thrown its full support behind being chosen as the underground storage site for nuclear waste. Residents, many of whom see this as Ignace’s chance to finally make a name for itself, say they’re excited to host the facility. “This could put us on the map!” said long-time resident Dale McKinnon, 57. “Nobody remembers Ignace for its logging, but ‘Nuclear Waste Capital of Canada’ has a nice ring to it.”

Although the federal government has been met with skepticism in other locations, Ignace residents have taken a pragmatic stance. “Some folks have concerns,” admitted waitress Jolene Tan, 44. “But I’ve got three teenagers, and I’d rather they worry about mutant squirrels than paying rent.”

When asked if she had any concerns about long-term health impacts, high school principal Betty Connors, 51, shrugged. “I think they’d just be so deep underground that it won’t be a problem. Besides, the jobs will keep the kids from moving to Thunder Bay. So, win-win.”

The CEO of Deep Core Disposal, Inc., David Meyer, attended a town hall meeting and spoke directly to the crowd of nearly 50 residents. “We’re committed to a safe, long-term partnership with Ignace,” Meyer reassured. “The nuclear waste will be buried under two kilometres of bedrock, and we promise not a single molecule will escape into the air or water—probably.”

While some residents still voice minor objections, they are typically drowned out by overwhelming support. “We already have to deal with bears and mosquitoes,” local mechanic Bill “Rusty” Robinson, 62, remarked. “What’s a little radiation compared to that?”